Life, and living it, and adventure, of a sort

[roselightfairy]

 You know, there's times when I want adventure in my life, and I think despairingly that I'm not doing enough, I never will have done enough, I have no life, I spend all my time locked in my own head and not in the world, etc. etc. etc...

But also, if I had chosen to do something with my life other than exactly what I've done, I wouldn't have spent twenty minutes last night dashing through the wet dark of Seattle, rain soaking through my poorly-chosen cold-weather coat, with my phone getting stuck on zoom mode and unable to recognize my fingerprint because of the layer of water between me and the screen.  And if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have stumbled sodden and laughing into the warm home of a friend I met through letting the life inside my head spill into my physical reality as well.  Wouldn't have changed into pajamas at 5:30 and spent the rest of the evening cooking and ranting and laughing and talking about things that cross all the lines between fantasy and reality and back again.  Wouldn't be spending a cozy evening virtually with another friend I can't meet in real life yet, but who introduced me to the delight of that reality, to the blurring of the lines, to finding connection and creativity and chemistry where I wouldn't have thought to seek it before.  And wouldn't simultaneously be preparing to embark on a new adventure in my real life that will hopefully bring me closer to discovering the things I want to do and the person I want to be.

And sometimes the world feels big and hard and scary... but sometimes I feel like it's all going to be okay.

Comments

[katajainen]

That sounds like plenty of adventure to me ♥

(And if you want my two cents' worth, in my experience that "I have done nothing worthwhile with my life" feeling only hits harder with age. The only thing to do is to count your blessings - like having equally nerdy friends - and tell yourself how lucky you are to be you.)

[roselightfairy]

in my experience that "I have done nothing worthwhile with my life" feeling only hits harder with age. I KNOW I hate it. I'm in my early twenties. Realistically I've barely STARTED my life yet and I already feel like I'm falling behind. (It probably also has a lot to do with some bad experiences with host families in the past, when I was told that my tendencies toward introversion/reclusiveness meant I didn't have a life/was missing out on Important Life Experiences.) But I'm coming to learn that what I'm doing IS an important life experience, and that it doesn't have to be done devoid of connection. <3 Thank you so much for your kind words.

[katajainen]

I wish I could tell those host families where to stuff their Important Life Experiences... because even becoming an exchange student in the first place (that's what you were referring to, right?) is a big experience. If I'm completely honest, it's one of the things I still kind of regret not doing.

Imho, what people call "life experience" can't be treated as a tick-all-the-right-boxes-by-certain-age type of thing, because there's no right way to build a life. Everyone does it from the ground up, everyone does it differently, and it's all right. (Or so I keep telling myself.)

[roselightfairy]

Being an exchange student is indeed what I was referring to. Though it really could be argued that I didn't make the most of the experience (it probably didn't help that that year actually was when I discovered fanfiction, and when offered an escapist world over the real, big and scary one, I picked escapism). I don't know. It was a weird, rough time for me, and I have a lot of lingering guilts from that year. But it has been so eye-opening and fulfilling to discover "grown-ups" (I use the term loosely, because I'm learning that most adults are still learning how to adult, but I mean people who are older and slightly more established in whatever it is they're doing) who love the same things I do and find real-life satisfaction in the fantasy. I really, really appreciate your words, especially for my silly TMI personal ramblings.

[daisynorbury]

Oh! *dabs at misty eyes* I like you, too!!
It was a fantastic evening. Someday there will be the promised fire. Someday when there's more time and more cold.
And you're doing GREAT. Look at you with your new home and great new job! Serious adulting! And seriously, once you get your toe in the door at the Libraries you're in a good position. It's a big organization with lots of internal job-change opportunities.
And I don't see how writing things and sharing them with friends who love them and interacting about them isn't being in the world. It absolutely is.

[roselightfairy]

SUCH a lovely evening. My new motto is going to be "Fill your life with experiences where when you leave them, you wish you were back there," and I think I'm making a good start. :D And I really hope you're right about everything! I've been feeling good about my future for the first time since long before graduation, and it's such a nice feeling.