The Doomsday Journals, Week 10
May. 8th, 2020 02:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
roselightfairy...At least, I think it's week 10. I've been skipping my documentation lately, and I'm going to try very hard to stop doing that, because I think part of the reason I'm feeling the way I am is that I'm missing my grounding.
The truth is, I'm struggling. Not in new ways, not in worse ways than anyone else, not even in worse ways than I already was. And of course it's not that I deserve any special treatment for my struggles, when they are so empathy-based, when I'm struggling not because of things happening in my personal life, but because so many other people are suffering so much more.
It's just - being in the US, it's just so awful. Seeing more and more belligerent ignorance and malicious indifference coming from government after government - and the federal government not least. I'm in the area where the coronavirus first took a significant hold, and thanks to general good sense coming from our governor and many mayors, we've largely avoided the catastrophes seen in other places. The peak everyone expected didn't really hit for us. But I see other places refusing to do the things we've done; I see my governor say that in order to open up we'll need more and more testing capacity and knowing that that's not going to come from the murderer-in-chief and his villainous lackeys - it's almost too much to bear sometimes. And meanwhile I know that so many people are struggling from so many different things; I know that the health crisis spirals with the economic and environmental crises that have been targeting so many people for so long, and I know it's always been bad, but it just - it feels worse. And I feel powerless to stop it, and that combined with that niggling privilege-guilt creates a sinkpit in my stomach that I just can't quite fill with distractions or platitudes or fragile, futile-feeling hopes.
And all the while, I miss little things. I miss going to visit my friend and having sleepovers and adventures. I miss the buses - who woulda thunk, right? - and the ability to leave and go places if I want to, on my own. I miss dropping in on my coworker-friends at work; I miss my biweekly flute rehearsals (which are not the same when technological difficulties constantly intercede). I miss feeling in control of my life.
Last week I learned about union policies at my workplace that might mean my job isn't quite as secure as I had thought. My position still needs to be filled . . . but I don't necessarily need to be the one who fills it. And I've been so worried about feeling stuck or complacent where I am, and only now that I have to consider what I might do if I get bumped out of my position do I realize that maybe I'm not ready to leave here yet. Maybe I'm still here not only because it's easy, but also because I like it. So I've been trying to make contingency plans, think about those grad-school possibilities - but all of this future planning feels so useless in a world where I feel so out of control, dragged down by these situations and sick with guilt at my own privilege - and at the fact that I'm so tired of it all, so tired. I know - again, I know so well - that my own struggles are so much less serious than those of so many other people, but I'm just so tired of it. I've been thinking about all this for so long and I'm just - I'm so tired.
I'm so tired.
The truth is, I'm struggling. Not in new ways, not in worse ways than anyone else, not even in worse ways than I already was. And of course it's not that I deserve any special treatment for my struggles, when they are so empathy-based, when I'm struggling not because of things happening in my personal life, but because so many other people are suffering so much more.
It's just - being in the US, it's just so awful. Seeing more and more belligerent ignorance and malicious indifference coming from government after government - and the federal government not least. I'm in the area where the coronavirus first took a significant hold, and thanks to general good sense coming from our governor and many mayors, we've largely avoided the catastrophes seen in other places. The peak everyone expected didn't really hit for us. But I see other places refusing to do the things we've done; I see my governor say that in order to open up we'll need more and more testing capacity and knowing that that's not going to come from the murderer-in-chief and his villainous lackeys - it's almost too much to bear sometimes. And meanwhile I know that so many people are struggling from so many different things; I know that the health crisis spirals with the economic and environmental crises that have been targeting so many people for so long, and I know it's always been bad, but it just - it feels worse. And I feel powerless to stop it, and that combined with that niggling privilege-guilt creates a sinkpit in my stomach that I just can't quite fill with distractions or platitudes or fragile, futile-feeling hopes.
And all the while, I miss little things. I miss going to visit my friend and having sleepovers and adventures. I miss the buses - who woulda thunk, right? - and the ability to leave and go places if I want to, on my own. I miss dropping in on my coworker-friends at work; I miss my biweekly flute rehearsals (which are not the same when technological difficulties constantly intercede). I miss feeling in control of my life.
Last week I learned about union policies at my workplace that might mean my job isn't quite as secure as I had thought. My position still needs to be filled . . . but I don't necessarily need to be the one who fills it. And I've been so worried about feeling stuck or complacent where I am, and only now that I have to consider what I might do if I get bumped out of my position do I realize that maybe I'm not ready to leave here yet. Maybe I'm still here not only because it's easy, but also because I like it. So I've been trying to make contingency plans, think about those grad-school possibilities - but all of this future planning feels so useless in a world where I feel so out of control, dragged down by these situations and sick with guilt at my own privilege - and at the fact that I'm so tired of it all, so tired. I know - again, I know so well - that my own struggles are so much less serious than those of so many other people, but I'm just so tired of it. I've been thinking about all this for so long and I'm just - I'm so tired.
I'm so tired.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-11 12:13 am (UTC)it is all Just Too Much
no subject
Date: 2020-05-11 05:27 am (UTC)Internet hugs always help, though. <3 *returns them*
no subject
Date: 2020-05-11 07:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-05-11 11:12 pm (UTC)